Dress – Shakuhachi
Necklace – The Serpents Club
Art – Sugarhigh Lovestoned
Recently I’ve felt an emotional shift that I don’t think I’ll ever fully be able to articulate, but it’s one that i’m feeling happy and relieved about. Since moving into my own place, I’ve felt the most comfortable with myself than I ever have. I believe this is due to a range of new factors, from having a space I can make my own to finally being 100% self reliant.
The main shift is that until 5 months ago, I was in a really unhappy relationship for years, with someone who I was never really compatible with in terms of lifestyle and mentality. This made me feel really stifled for a long time – I couldn’t fully express myself without some kind of passing comment or judgement and he was utterly unsupportive of every venture I ever took up including my business. After a while I became so critical of myself that I developed some major social anxiety issues, which I had never experienced prior to our relationship. I was always known for being really confident, outgoing and social, yet during those four years I constantly feared I was being judged and became almost a shell of a person (something my best friend described as “you were just so subdued and not the person I’d always known”).
After recovering from the demise of that relationship, I began to feel normal again. I enjoyed socialising, I became much more organised and started enjoying old hobbies again (cooking/writing/photography). I would express my humour and sense of self without fear of criticism and even miraculously stopped biting my nails after 20 years! It was surreal to feel so at ease after years of being at constant war with myself and I knew I’d never be able to slip into that frame of mind ever again. Recently that same ex made some disparaging comments and instead of crumbling and wondering what was wrong with me, I realised everything was wrong with him. I told him to hit the road and promptly removed him from my life for good. Conflict or cutting ties with someone usually would have filled me with anxiety, but this time I felt nothing but peace.
If there’s anything I’ve learnt this year (and without sounding like an inspirational instagram post), it’s that you should swiftly drop anyone that makes you doubt your sense of self. If someone is constantly judgemental, unsupportive, critical and just plain awful to you – they don’t deserve any of your time or energy, ever. If you keep them around they will suck you dry like an emotional vampire.
Perhaps this revelation was the result of cutting a toxic person from my life or maybe it’s just the kind of personal growth that comes with the late 20s territory. Whatever it is, I’m glad I’ve finally hit that glorious milestone of simply not giving a fuck. And I invite you, my dear friends, to join me in the sun. It’s pretty nice over here.
In the spirit of self care and getting my shit together, here’s my incredibly late list of (lets not say, resolutions), but plans for what remains of 2018:
- Work work work
- Finally expand my business (I’m so behind on my strategy plan uhhh)
- Sort my accounts out because I’m not 20 years old anymore
- Spend more time with friends and family
- Be a good friend to those who need me and support them fiercely in any way that I can. The last 5 months have shown me how fucking awesome my friends are. They held me up when I was at my worst and put me back together; I will never not be humbled and inspired by them. It still chokes me up to this day when I think back to how incredible they all were and continue to be (and I am not a cryer at all let it be known)
- Take a fucking holiday, it’s been 5 years ffs
- Make my new place every inch my own (a museum like wall of prints, crazy rugs and a green velvet upholstered chair need to happen )
- Take care of myself better (three square healthy meals a day, 8 hours of sleep, lots of water, less smoking – I’m on week 3 of not getting stoned, so gold star for me I guess)
- Update my blog more often, because writing has always been cathartic
- Visit one new place every week; whether it’s a city, a restaurant or some form of local landmark
- Listen to one new album a week (Spotify I know you’ve got me on this)